A Cool Triangle!Ask PapaAnother Cool Triangle!

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This page will be the gay version of "Dear Abby."
Got a problem and want an outsider's point of view?
Need to know where to get some really helpful info?
Write me and I'll try to help you!
Letters sent to ASK PAPA will be published with responses here regularly.
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Updated 2/12/98
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If you have a problem which you think needs IMMEDIATE attention or are feeling suicidal, please get in touch with a therapist or a doctor and don't wait for a response from me. It's important to get the help you need quickly!
On to the letters!


Papa sen-sei,

I came out to most people in my life in the past three years and have been dating men for the past six.  Much to my surprise, I have had a gazillion dates in the past few years and have had several long-term incredible relationships.  I was introduced to an incredible man about a year and a half ago and I love everything about him...except for his height.  He's 3-4 inches shorter than me and I think that I am totally shallow because I cannot get over his, or rather my, height problem. I
have tried to overcome this problem but I love reaching up to kiss a lover, not down.  I  have only dated and been attracted to men 6'0" and taller in the past. I don't want to let him slip by but I feel that I should end things now so as to not hurt him in the future.  How can I overcome this?   Thanks for a great column.

Mentally Vertically Challenged.




Some people have certain criteria for what they define as hot. Some people can get past their preferences while  others just can't seem to.

Here you have someone who describe as "incredible." Not a whole lot of "incredible" people cross our paths and when one does, we need to take notice. It would be a shame if you ended what sounds like a good relationship because of his height.

One way you may try to get over this is to focus on the things that you found very attractive about him to begin with. Whether it's his personality, appearance, the size of his, er... um... hands... whatever! Emphasize these good traits in your mind. When you are out and about, consciously try to notice other shorter guys who are attractive.

If you succeed in getting past this, GO YOU! If you try your hardest (and I mean try your HARDEST) and just can't seem to get past this, then you probably need to face the possibility that the relationship won't work.

Don't make this decision hastily, though. Remember that an "incredible" person deserves your best shot to make things work.


I'm a male, 14, and I don't know how to French kiss.. I'm afraid I'll do it wrong the first time... I know the basics of it, like using your tongue, but I don't know where to put it, or how to move it around, or where to put your hands, just everything... how do you French, in details?
Thanks a lot!!

Ahhhhh... The excitement of your "first kiss!" Not to mention the fear it can bring on!

Well, the first thing to do is not to worry about it so much! Kissing is something that kinda comes naturally for most. You will probably find that it does for you as well.

Here are some definite don'ts.
#1) eat mass amounts of garlic and onions beforehand.
#2) don't bite off his tongue! Nothing spoils the moment more than having to rush to the emergency room with a tongue on ice!

Actually, different people like to kiss and be kissed differently. Some people like to think of their tongues as miners that need to go very deep into a cave to explore what's in it. Others, however, like to think of their tongues as friendly neighbors who just want to hang out in the entrance to a home for a small visit.

If you're not sure which you'd like or are nervous about what to do your first time, try following your partner's lead and do what he does. After awhile, you may want to improvise a little according to how you feel.

Now, I'm DEFINITELY NOT telling you to go out and suck face with every guy out there with a tongue, however, with time and experience, you'll know what kind of kissing you like.

MUAH! A big wet sloppy kiss for ya!

Dear Papa,

I've always believed that infidelity is wrong, and especially the plague of gay relationships. Until, however, this past month. My lover of three and a half years
took up a second job and some weekend classes, in order to improve himself. From an economic standpoint he doesn't really need the extra money, but it's his decision.

As a result of this, our sexual life has really suffered. My sex drive is enormous and his is rather mellow to begin with, so my unhappiness shines through. We've had conversations about it, and he has clearly stated that we shouldn't have sex more than once a week, and have even started having it by appointed time and days. We've discussed the possibility of an open relationship, and so far he's shut the idea down. What makes matters worse is that I've met someone and we've had a couple of dates, owing to the fact that I have a lot of time alone on my hands.

As far as physical intimacy, nothing has happened, but I feel myself falling for this guy. And I'm afraid it may force me to redefine my relationship. I know how you feel about infidelity, but please give me your broad opinion and maybe a new perspective.

Uneasy in Miami

Hmmmmm... Why are you uneasy? Does the prospect of betraying your lover of three and a half years and losing his trust and love by having a lurid roll in the hay make you apprehensive?


Just because you have a lot of free time on yer hands doesn't mean you have to go out and start dating guys behind your lover's back! Use that free time for something constructive. Save the Whales! Support gay rights! Take up needlepoint! (I hear it's very relaxing, by the way). But, hon, don't cheat!

Seriously, though, you do have a problem. Not one that can't be rectified by BOTH of you. It takes two to tango (more, if you're into the "group thing"). Different people have different libidos. But... ONCE A WEEK? AND at a predetermined day and time??? Hon, you'll go blind!

#1) You need to cease your "dates" with this other man! It's only going to lead to future heartbreak and pain for all involved.
#2) If the person you've been with for the past several years is indeed your lover (notice the word "love" in lover), than you owe it to him and to yourself to not betray him or the relationship. Boy, you need to work it!

Sometimes, after several years together with the same person, sex can sometimes become somewhat routine. Try arousing his libido. Make love in new places! Try new, um... er... positions! Get away for a weekend to a nice hotel somewhere and have romantic dinners and for dessert, a night of passion. You get the idea... I hope!

You do have a problem, in that some of your needs that are important to you are not being met. You and he need to really open the lines of communication and seriously try to work out some sort of compromise if this relationship is going to last. Remember that good communication and fair compromises are some big keys to a successful relationship. But, it has to come from both people involved!

By the way, if you do decide to take up a hobby to fill that free time, pick up knitting. I can use a nice hand knitted sweater!

Love ya! Papa

Dear Papa,

I'm not sure where to turn anymore. I'm 17, fast approaching 18, & I live in a very conservative, backwaters town in the middle of rural Alberta. I feel that I dare not come out of the closet, as another gay teen in this town did so & has been beaten & taunted several times. Many already believe me to be gay & are very distant to me because of it.

Thus far I have 'come out' to a couple of my close friends, who were very accepting & helpful. However, I tried to tell my mother & she has since become more & more distant from me. I have not tried to tell my father, as he & I already do not get along, & this would make matters worse.

I guess I should get to the point... I am having a lot of trouble keeping myself in check. I very much want a relationship w/ another guy my age, & I hate keeping a secret that I do not believe is right to keep. Even my best & wisest friend has pointed out that I am still not comfortable w/ being gay & honest about it. It hurts very much to stay where I am... is there anything I can do, any way to alleviate
my loneliness?

-Hopeless Romantic

Hey Romeo!

I'm assuming by your email address that you're from Alberta, Canada.
(God, I'm smart! hehe)

You've definitely taken a good first step in coming out to close friends. For gay people just starting to come out, a good support network is usually a good idea. There's strength in numbers!

One thing that does concern me is that you are not yet comfortable with your sexual orientation. It has been my observation that gay people who first take the time to be comfortable with and accept themselves first, before professing to the world their sexual orientation atop of a large mountain, do much better in coming out. You may want to take it just a bit slower at this point until you are comfortable with yourself.

One way to achieve this is through exposure. When you start to meet and interact with other gay people, you tend to get more comfortable with yourself. You begin to feel like you're "not the only one."

I would suggest trying to find a gay youth group in your area. Most of the time, these are terrific places for gay youth to begin their journey down the Yellow Brick Road of Gaydom! Check the "My Cool Links" section of my page and look under both the Canada and Youth sections.

Hang in there Romeo. You're Romeo will be there for ya soon enough!



Dear Papa,

I really could use your confidential help.  I have not "come out" at all about my sexuality to anyone but the people involved.  You see, I am bisexual and have a very Christian family that would disown me if they knew the things I've done.  I do have a problem and since I have no one to talk to, I could really use some outside advice.

I met a woman two weeks before I moved 900 miles away (she is also bisexual).  I have never met someone that I've felt so comfortable with in such a short amount of time.  I feel like I've known her all my life. We spent a lot of time together before I left and I let her know how I felt towards her.  She returned those feelings, saying how easy it is to be with me and around me, and that was something she's never experienced before (and this woman is older than me and has had more experiences than I have.)  

We didn't talk too much about things before I left, i.e., how to leave things,  so our conversations on the phone were a little flirty with each other.  I talked about coming down to visit her and some other friends of mine and that's when something happened.  She said that I couldn't stay at her house because, well in her words, she'd "break down the door" to her extra room just to be with me.  She, just getting out of a relationship about six months earlier, could not handle those feelings and then me leaving.  So we had a talk one night and she said
she didn't want to lose whatever it is we have.  She said she couldn't be anything more than friends right now, so we decided that we would just be friends.  

I think her feelings for me scare her. She doesn't want to get hurt, which I certainly understand, and she's pushing me away because of that.  I call on the phone and she's short with me.  She called and apologized for being that way and said she was having a hard time dealing with the other feelings she has for me.  

I don't want to lose her friendship or the chance of a relationship with her in the future.  I don't want her to forget about me. I'm not going to be pining away for her or close out any chance of another relationship if it should come along, but I want to let her know, as we continue to get to know each other, that I think she is special and that I am interested in her without crossing that "friendship" line again. 
Is this just a fantasy or what?  What should I do?  Can we really be friends? 

Confused 'n the burgh

Hey Confused!

I'm glad to hear you will not be closed to another relationship if it were to come along. That's a very healthy choice! In fact, it sounds like you have both made some good decisions!

She is recuperating from her break up and may not be ready at this time to deal with those types of feelings just yet. Sounds like she knows herself and is handling the situation as best she could.

You two have a good friendship going and you can continue that. What she needs from you is your patience and friendship. She needs to go through whatever it is she is going through to "figure things out."

My advice to you would be to continue your friendship and be careful to keep an eye on your "love meter" and don't let it go into the red zone just yet! Understand that when she is able to move on from her feelings about her last relationship she may or may not want to have a relationship with you. You need to be ready for both possibilities.

Hope this helps you get a little UN-Confused!


Hello Papa,

I'm glad I found you today. Last Sunday my lover told me that he can not pretend to be my lover anymore. He said he feels for me like a brother. But I knew he had a new boyfriend. We had a 9 year relationship. After 1 year he didn't want to have sex with me. It was hard for me but I loved him still and I thought he loved me too. I think he really did. 

5 years ago I found out he was fooling around. It hurt me very much. I hoped it was one night stand for him. But it didn't stop. He kept moving on to other men. As far as I know, he had 5 different boyfriends. This new one I think he likes very much so I had a feeling I had to leave when I found out. But I didn't want to leave when he had a new boyfriend because I feel like I would be a loser. 

Being someone without sex was not hard. But we had a good life together and happy most time. I tried very hard to make our life together even though he was fooling around... All those years... did he pretend to be my lover until he found his dream man. And now he thinks he found one so I have to leave?

I'm so hurt and cry every night. All those good memories I had with him will be trashed because of his new boyfriend? Do I want to see my ex (?) lover still after this? What shall I do?


Love, you need to do something here. LEAVE! You sound like a very sweet guy who tried to "look the other way." Unfortunately, that usually NEVER works and you wind up hurting and empty.

This putz is very lucky that you stuck by his sorry butt for so long. My question to you is, "Why have you stayed with him???" Hon, you need to move on with your life even if it means he's not in it.

As much as you love this man, you need to go your separate ways. You are NOT the loser here, babe. Walking away from this person is exactly what you should do to be the winner in this situation!

Answer some questions for me:
1)  Are you a good person?
2)  Do you deserve to love and be loved in return?
3)  Is a monogamous relationship important to you?
4)  Does his cheating on you hurt you?
5)  Does he know this hurts you?

If your answers to these questions were "yes" than you know what you must do. Pack up your self-respect and move on out and onward to someone who deserves your love!

Good luck, 

Hi Papa,

I'm 16, still WAY in the closet, and my parents read the e-mail, so please please please don't respond. If you could just post, that would be cool.

Anyways, I was on WestHollywood Chat about a month ago, and I met this great guy who lives about an hour away.  He left me a number and told me to call in a few minutes, and I did, and I got his roommate, who told me he was sleeping.  We had chatted about meeting in person at a nearby park, and I think I could drive there without my parents being suspicious since I'm doing a project there.  And I'm really desperate to meet a man I can be myself with. Who knows I'm gay and likes that.  But I get scared when faced with calling him, and I don't like the idea of sneaking behind my parents' backs, and they say you should never meet in real life.  So what should I do?

Young 'Un in Houston

Hiya Young 'Un!

STOP! DO NOT PASS GO! Especially at your age, it is a good idea to be careful. How much do you know about this person? Although there are honest and nice people on the Internet, there are also some scary people out there as well.

I know you want to "do the gay thang" real fast but slow down... Take your time here. You have your whole life ahead of you and it will come. I would suggest you get to know this person a lot better if you are intent on meeting him. Get to know him on the phone for awhile more. You may want to ask around and see if anyone knows him and if he's a good guy and not a crazed ax murderer!

If, after all this, you decide to meet him, make sure it is in a busy place where there are many people around for your own protection.

Even better than all this would be to find a local gay youth group and get involved! It's a great way to meet people, just like you!  J

Be careful Sweety!


Dear Papa,

My best friend and I "experimented" together for the first time in December.
We masturbated each other over and over again, after that he stop associating with me. He just cut off all communication with me. It was like we weren't even
friends anymore. I want to know what happened. Did I do something wrong? I
thought that it was all good and I was glad that I wasn't the only one having
these feelings. Am I gay? I don't feel gay because I have a girlfriend and
have had many girlfriends in the past.

Troubled, "D"

Hey D!

Gotta tell ya... I love the term "experiment" as it's used today! When I was growing up, experimenting meant that you were in some old boring science class cutting up a frog's innards! (I used surgical gloves, by the way. THESE hands were NOT coming in direct contact with frog guts!)

D, this is a VERY common experience. It's called "denial," and as we all know, "De Nile ain't just a river in Egypt!"

What you're telling me by using the word "experimenting," is that neither you nor your best friend have labeled yourselves as gay or bisexual. To some, those can be very scary labels. For some, it is easier to pretend an experience ever happened, than to face it.

Your friend sounds like he may feel either embarrassed and/or frightened about what happened between the two of you. You DID NOT do anything wrong! He is probably not dealing well with what he has done. Breaking off communication with you is probably his way of not dealing with what happened.

Give him a little time to deal with whatever feelings he's having. After awhile, try talking to him. At first, you'd be better off to not bring up what happened. Let him get comfortable in your friendship again. After awhile, if you feel like you want to acknowledge what happened, you may want to speak to him at that point. Don't be surprised, though, if he is not receptive to speaking about "it."

Are you gay? You're the only one who can answer that question. Having a girlfriend now and in the past will not answer that question for you. You need to look deep inside yourself and, if you are honest and open with yourself, then you will have the answer.

Keep smiling hon,


Dear Papa,

I am 32yrs old and consider myself heterosexual. I am attracted to women both physically and emotionally. However, I have occasionally enjoyed the physical feeling of sex with a man. Its a different type feeling and while I don't have the intimate connection I have to a women, I like occasionally being with a man.
As long as I am not in a committed relationship with somebody is their anything wrong with this and do other people behave in a similar manner?

Heterosexual who occasionally likes men...

Hi, Heterosexual who occasionally likes men!

A great many people behave similarly. You are definitely not alone! Is there anything wrong with that? Not that I can see! As long as you are not in a committed relationship and both parties are comfortable with each other, enjoy!


Hi Papa,

Hi Papa,

I've got a huge problem on my hands, and I'm really hoping you can
help me out, as I have nowhere else to turn.

I'm fifteen, a sophomore in high school with a great boyfriend whom I find very attractive.  However, when we "mess around" I almost always go along with him just to get it over with. I feel like I'm denying him something that he should have, so I pretend to have a good time. Truth is, I'm rather shy when it comes to things like this, and besides that, I'm not usually having a good time at all!  It just seems so easy for guys to get aroused and know what to do! On top of all this, I have, as of late, begun to have sexual feelings for females. I really believe I'd like a female/female experience, but I'll probably never have one. I have never fantasized about a guy when I masturbate. It's always girls that excite me like that.

Please help me!  Am I bisexual?  Am I homosexual?  Am I straight?  I'm so confused!  What am I going to say to my friends and family, who assume me to be "normal" and like only the opposite sex?  I find both sexes attractive sexually, but isn't that normal for teenagers?  I'd really like to find out just what I am!

Thank you very much, Papa!
Worried and Confused

Hi hon!

Oh my! Sexuality is SUCH a complex issue. I think almost everyone is bisexual to some degree. While defining oneself as either gay or straight is very black and white, I think most people fall into the very huge gray area in between. Bisexuality includes everything from casual thoughts about having sex with the same gender to actually doing it on a regular basis. It also encompasses people who enjoy it solely for the sexual thrill to people who have the ability to love people of both genders physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally equally.

What one chooses to label themselves, if they choose at all, is a personal decision. I label myself as gay even though thoughts may have, in the past,  occasionally gone through my mind of a relationship with a female. I would say I'm about 99.99% gay, but that .01% part of me that would have a relationship with a female technically makes me bisexual. This is why it is not an easy answer when people ask me if they are gay or not.

I think the answer for you will come in time as to what you are; whether you decide that you are gay, straight, bisexual or asexual. (GOD FORBID!!!)

Love ya, Papa

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Statement From
Steven Cozza, 12 yo, Life Boy Scout
     "The Boy Scouts of America is a great program with one BAD thing. It discriminates against gay  youth and adults. No one should be discriminated against. I don't even say the Scout Law at troop meetings because the BSA does not follow the Scout Law when it discriminates against gay people.
     The Scout Law says a scout... should treat others as he would want to be treated. I don't know anyone who wants to be discriminated against the way the Boy Scouts of America discriminates against gays."
     "Gay youth and Adults should be allowed in scouting. The leading cause of death for gay youth is suicide. Gay youth feel rejected. The Boy Scouts of America's policy only makes things worse. We should be kind to one another. People are different. The world is diverse. People are like a rainbow with many different colors. Rainbows are beautiful. I'm glad rainbows are not just one color.
And you know something, I don't think God would discriminate against gays.
Why does the BSA?"

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