And The Winners Are ...

      Well, the G.A.S.P. has come and gone, and we look forward to next year, and the promise of victory.  For four happy golfers, their homes will not be cluttered with "The Trophy From Hell".  Sadly, four others do not share the same fate. 
     I think everyone will agree that the tournament was a great success.  One of my treasured moments was when Doug remarked "The best thing about being on the same team with Lyle is that either I win, or he doesn't."  Something to think about for next year... 
     The scenery was great - you just can't beat trees and outcropings of rock when you are staggering through the under- brush looking for a lost ball.  And of course the weather cooperates for the GASP, from the opening drives to the final putts.  And speaking of putz, let's review the winners.  The scorecard was: 

Day 1
Day 2
Joe, Jim 
Jack, Gary
Lyle, Doug, 
Mal, Brad

(Above:  Joe, Jim, and Jack explain to Gary that the winners have to take home the trophy.  Later, he was overheard saying,"If I had only known.")

Longest Drive:
Lyle Faichuk
Closest To The Pin:
Brad Pavelich

 A special welcome to Gary Galambos for taking time off the PGA tour to appear at our little event.  Let's see those other missing G.A.S.P. golfers try to take his spot away.  (But seriously, it isn't quite the G.A.S.P. without John running into a tree or Mark telling us how many times he wins this damn thing.  And come on Tony, celibacy in September if you want to golf in June.)

Photo Memories

I don't know what the hell Lyle has in his hands in this shot, but I'm glad I shared a bunk with Jim.

For organizing the 1999 GASP, we present Jim a pair of boxer shorts, recently extracted from Joe while his back was turned - straight up and out!  (We understand that Joe is well on his way to recovery.) 
After that first evening of drinkin in Canmore, Jack (below) was a little worse-for-wear.  I'm not sure sleeping on the floor between Jack and Malcolm was a wise move on Doug's part.
The Funnies

     Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. 
     "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." 
     "I got it from my genie." 
     "You have a genie," he asked? 
     "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." 
     "Could I see him?" 
     He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" 
     "Yes I will," the genie said, so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.  Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. "What the matter with your genie?" the friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
   He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.  Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?" 

     A lady was vaccuming the bedroom one day when she hit something under the bed.  When she pulled it out, she was amazed to find a shiny silver box with nine golf balls and $5,000 in cash inside.  When her husband came home, she called him up to the bedroom. "Honey, what is with the box?  There's nine golf balls and $5,000 in here. 
     The man replied, "Well, every time we have had bad sex, I put a golf ball in there." 
     "That's not bad," the wife replied, "we've been married for 25 years and there's only nine in there, but what's with the money?" 
     "Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold them." 

     Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. 
     The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "the best golfers do not use foul language." 
     "I guess not. What the hell do they have to cuss about?"

The Bad Golfer's Warm Up

     Everybody tells you that the most important thing before playing a round of golf is to get yourself warmed up.  Ten minutes of stretching, take a few swings on the driving range, knock the ball around the practice green, whatever may help you become fully prepared for your round.  These are all the proper things to do; however, when your scores resemble the IQs of the Mensa Society, none of this helps.  In fact, it most likely will throw your game off even more, if that is possible. 
     Stretching is a valuable pre-round routine.  But as you know, when you're recovering from the drinking binge you and your buddies went on the night before, the only thing that will be stretched is the time it takes you to drag your drunken butt from the cart to your ball each time.  Here is the best stretching exercise for the bad golfer.  Kneel down and, with a 3-iron in your right hand, extend it a far as possible and drag it back towards you.  Repeat this ten times.  This exercise will stretch out the upper back muscles so that when you're attempting to retrieve your ball from under the thick bushes you won't pull a muscle. 
     Hitting the driving range before teeing off is not recommended for the bad golfer. The reason being, why become so frustrated from hitting other fairways before your round even begins?  There is nothing worse than addressing your ball on the first tee, with three other foursomes watching, knowing, based on what you've been doing at the range, you will shank your tee shot into the parking lot. 
     Practicing putting is also something that is not recommended prior to teeing off.  First of all, the two other guys aiming for the same cup you are will get a little ticked off when you knock their balls off target with your feeble attempt.  The other is when you see that after putting 20 or so times your putts are consistently coming within 12 inches of the cup.  The only problem with that is it is not the cup at which you were aiming!  This only serves as a prelude as to how you will destroy your round on the greens all day.  It's always better to have the possibility of only triple-bogeying than knowing you will be praying for only a four-putt on each hole. 

     Two long time golfers were standing at the 3rd tee overlooking the river.  One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

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