And The Winners Are ...
Well, the G.A.S.P.
has come and gone, and we look forward to next year, and the promise of
victory. For four happy golfers, their homes will not be cluttered
with "The Trophy From Hell". Sadly, four others do not share the
I think everyone will agree that the tournament
was a great success. One of my treasured moments was when Doug remarked
"The best thing about being on the same team with Lyle is that either I
win, or he doesn't." Something to think about for next year...
The scenery was great - you just can't beat
trees and outcropings of rock when you are staggering through the under-
brush looking for a lost ball. And of course the weather cooperates
for the GASP, from the opening drives to the final putts. And speaking
of putz, let's review the winners. The scorecard was:
(Above: Joe, Jim, and Jack explain to Gary that the winners have
to take home the trophy. Later, he was overheard saying,"If I had
Closest To The Pin:
A special welcome to Gary Galambos for taking time off the PGA
tour to appear at our little event. Let's see those other missing
G.A.S.P. golfers try to take his spot away. (But seriously, it isn't
quite the G.A.S.P. without John running into a tree or Mark telling us
how many times he wins this damn thing. And come on Tony, celibacy
in September if you want to golf in June.)
I don't know what the hell Lyle has in his hands
in this shot, but I'm glad I shared a bunk with Jim.
For organizing the 1999 GASP, we present Jim a pair
of boxer shorts, recently extracted from Joe while his back was turned
- straight up and out! (We understand that Joe is well on his way
After that first evening of drinkin in Canmore, Jack
(below) was a little worse-for-wear. I'm not sure sleeping on the
floor between Jack and Malcolm was a wise move on Doug's part.
Two friends were playing
golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked
his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his
golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one
"Yes I will," the genie said, so he asks him
for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves
him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky
begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
"What the matter with your genie?" the friend tells his golfing partner,
"I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of
hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
A lady was vaccuming the
bedroom one day when she hit something under the bed. When she pulled
it out, she was amazed to find a shiny silver box with nine golf balls
and $5,000 in cash inside. When her husband came home, she called
him up to the bedroom. "Honey, what is with the box? There's nine
golf balls and $5,000 in here.
The man replied, "Well, every time we have
had bad sex, I put a golf ball in there."
"That's not bad," the wife replied, "we've
been married for 25 years and there's only nine in there, but what's with
"Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
Fred had tried to be particularly
careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on
the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost
his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have
observed," said he in a calm voice, "the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not. What the hell do they have to
The Bad Golfer's Warm Up
Everybody tells you that
the most important thing before playing a round of golf is to get yourself
warmed up. Ten minutes of stretching, take a few swings on the driving
range, knock the ball around the practice green, whatever may help you
become fully prepared for your round. These are all the proper things
to do; however, when your scores resemble the IQs of the Mensa Society,
none of this helps. In fact, it most likely will throw your game
off even more, if that is possible.
Stretching is a valuable pre-round routine.
But as you know, when you're recovering from the drinking binge you and
your buddies went on the night before, the only thing that will be stretched
is the time it takes you to drag your drunken butt from the cart to your
ball each time. Here is the best stretching exercise for the bad
golfer. Kneel down and, with a 3-iron in your right hand, extend
it a far as possible and drag it back towards you. Repeat this ten
times. This exercise will stretch out the upper back muscles so that
when you're attempting to retrieve your ball from under the thick bushes
you won't pull a muscle.
Hitting the driving range before teeing off
is not recommended for the bad golfer. The reason being, why become so
frustrated from hitting other fairways before your round even begins?
There is nothing worse than addressing your ball on the first tee, with
three other foursomes watching, knowing, based on what you've been doing
at the range, you will shank your tee shot into the parking lot.
Practicing putting is also something that
is not recommended prior to teeing off. First of all, the two other
guys aiming for the same cup you are will get a little ticked off when
you knock their balls off target with your feeble attempt. The other
is when you see that after putting 20 or so times your putts are consistently
coming within 12 inches of the cup. The only problem with that is
it is not the cup at which you were aiming! This only serves as a
prelude as to how you will destroy your round on the greens all day.
It's always better to have the possibility of only triple-bogeying than
knowing you will be praying for only a four-putt on each hole.
Two long time golfers
were standing at the 3rd tee overlooking the river. One golfer looked
to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."