Here We Go Again!
     Time to mortgage your home and begin preparing for the sixth version of our most beloved tournament, the G.A.S.P.  This yearís edition is prepared by Corlacís El Presidente, Jim ďDo you take American Express?Ē van der Sloot.  And considering the success of his other endeavors (?), we can expect an expensive exquisite experience. 
     The tournament will be played in the Windemere Valley at three different course between June 18 and June 20, 1999. 
Friday, June 18:
Riverside Course (Fairmont). 
Tee times:  2:11 to 2:35. 
Cost:  $73.10 (carts included). 
Saturday, June 19:
Radium Resort Course. 
Tee times:  8:07 to 8:31, and 1:19 to 1:40. 
Cost:  $136.50 (includes carts, driving range, and steak dinner.) 
Sunday, June 20:
Springs Course (Radium). 
Tee times:  7:17 to 7:42. 
Cost:  $68.50 (carts included). 
For one of the two rounds on Saturday we have a package deal.  $85.00 includes the golf, carts, driving range and BBQ steak dinner.  Caddies (show to the right) are optional. 
Since Jim announced this schedule, we have asked if we can adjust the tee times on Sunday, and he said he would try to change them so that we can sleep in a little on the last morning.  Also, the early round on Saturday may become an optional round for the die-hard golfers who canít get enough of the game (while the rest canít get enough sleep.)  Let Jim (529-6813 or 548-9630) know your intentions. 
    As for accommodations, Jim has booked two condos at the Radium Springs Resort.  Each comes equipped with 3 beds and two sofas (beds?) and kitchen facilities.  (Bring a sleeping bag and pillow.)  At $200/unit/ night, the cost per golfer will depend on the number of people we have. 
     A number of regulars will not be joining us this year.  Mark has moved to Nova Scotia to work for a couple of years.  (The pressure of winning every year when he has attended was a little too much to handle.)  John will be in Vancouver attending a graduation, and tying the knot.  (Any excuse to not embarrass himself on the course with those inflated scores!)  And Tonyís family is growing by one dependent.  (You would think he would check the G.A.S.P. schedule when planning  more kids.) 
The Funnies
     A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention.  The Jew, bragging about his virility said "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!."  The Catholic poo-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "Thatís nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."  To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!." 

   A man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green.  His wife said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green.  When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot.  About six months later the husband was playing golf with a friend and sure enough he hit his ball behind the same barn.  His friend said, I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green.  The husband said, I don't think I can do that and I hate this hole.  His friend said, it's not that hard and why do you hate this hole?  The husband said, after bowing his head, the last time I played this hole I got an 8! 

Show Me The Money!!!
     How many times have you played a round and not only finished 15-20 strokes behind your partners but also wound up losing your shirt as well?  When you get into a foursome with low handicap golfers you tend to be drawn into their world of thinking that the only way to prove your golfing skill is by going home with the most cash. 
       Unfortunately for you, the only way you'll pocket the booty is by clubbing the other three into unconsciousness and stealing their wallets. 
       For the bad golfer, playing for money is to golf what tree bark is to Sonny Bono ... a quick death (financially for the golfer, of course).  The pressure of having to compete with someone whose ball launches off his club like a Patriot missile is bad enough.  Add to that the possibility of losing another $40 in addition to the greens fee and your game falls apart quicker than O.J.'s credibility.  Your thought process before crucial shots becomes severely altered.  You go from just thinking about making triple bogey to thinking if you don't make triple bogey, you not only get the snowman but you also might stand to lose some cash.  That combination only leads to what could become the most devastating round of your life. You can avoid this situation by either refusing to play for money or you call the bets. With you making the rules on the betting, you bring your lack of skill to the forefront where it can actually benefit you. 
     For instance, rather than playing for 
"greenies" on the par threes, play "fringies."  Fringies are played by NOT hitting the green, some-thing at which you are a master.  CHA-CHING!! 
      You can also play a game called "Roughies." In this game, which lasts over 18 holes, the person who hits the 
least amount of fairways on the driving holes gets the pot.  Always searching for your tee shots in the rough?   CHA-CHING!! 
      Another sure way to clean up the cash is by playing Lost Balls.  This is done by simply totaling up the number of golf balls you have lost throughout the round.  Lose a dozen per round?   CHA-CHING!! However, the one downside to this is that the money you win if you lose the most balls will have to go to replace the ones you lost.  But look at the bright side, you finally took someone else's money! 
Top Ten Ways to Make
Golf More Exciting
(Thanks to Dave L.)
10. Replace sand traps with bear traps.
9. When somebody's about to putt, announcer screams, "Let's get ready to rumble!"
8. Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical "Dorf" character.
7. Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let `em do their stuff.
6. Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play -- that always turns out hilarious.
5. Every foursome must contain at least one member of "Earth, Wind and Fire".
4. Roaming the course:  live, bloodthirsty pirates.
3. Introduce a genetically engineered super - golfer named "Fuzzy Tiger".
2. Find a way to make golf shoes look goofier.
1. New rule:  miss a putt, swallow a tee.
Golf Cliches For 
The 1999 G.A.S.P. 
"Whip cream on dog shit."
(Sinking a long putt to make a nine.)
"Piss poor marine."
(When you fail to get it out of the bunker and it just dies on the beach.)
"300 yard drive."
(Said on a skied tee shot; as in, 100 up,
100 out, and 100 down.)
"Oh the humanity!"
(What you yell after an extremely bad shot.) 
The Gazette On The Web 
     Now we have the opportunity to embarrass ourselves over the world wide web.  If you surf the net, visit our website at Augusta/Fairway/4787 to check our website.  Back issues of the newsletter, scores, and photos can be found.  To add something to this newsletter or web site, e-mail me your contributions and/or jpegs. 
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